Jerry Seinfeld recently said he laments ‘the good old days of ‘dominant masculinity’ and that he likes: ‘a real man.’ Meanwhile in a separate interview, Julia Louis-Dreyfus called bullshit over complaints that comics can’t be funny now. Well, we found a lost Seinfeld script (oddly featuring quotes from those interviews) for one last episode about nothing (and dominant masculinity!)

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[Setting: Jerry’s Apartment]

(George and Elaine walk into apartment)

JERRY: Well look what the cat dragged in.

(Elaine pokes Jerry angrily)

ELAINE: I wish YOU were allergic to cats, so I could make YOU sick like YOU make ME sick, Jerry!! SICK!!

JERRY: Now what?!?

ELAINE: Were you hanging out at that high school parking lot again??

GEORGE: Probably working on some material, right Jerry?

JERRY: I gotta work on something alright, there were no 17 year old girls at the high school today. My luck they’ve probably all gone ‘woke’.

ELAINE: Ewww! And whaddya got against being woke?!?!

(Jerry flops down on the couch)

JERRY: I lost all my gigs at the comedy club…

GEORGE: What!! How??

JERRY: “We have no sense of hierarchy! The world is going soft.” Comedy is ‘woke’ now. Can’t say this. Can’t say that. How’s a comic supposed to tell a joke anymore??!?!

ELAINE: That’s ridiculous!

(George flops down on the couch)

GEORGE: Whaddya mean, Elaine?? Jerry’s right, a guy can’t tell a joke anymore!

ELAINE: “There’s a lot of talk about how comics can’t be funny now. I think that’s bullshit. Physical comedy and intellectual comedy and political comedy, I think, has never been more interesting, because there’s so much to do.”

JERRY: What are you talkinggg about???

ELAINE: “To have an antenna about sensitivities is not a bad thing. It doesn’t mean that all comedy goes out the window as a result. When I hear people starting to complain about political correctness — and I understand why people might push back on it — but to me that’s a red flag, because it sometimes means something else.”

(Elaine flops down between Jerry and George)

ELAINE: “It’s a ripe time. Comedy is risky and it can be offensive, but that’s what makes it so enjoyable.”

(Elaine pokes Jerry)

ELAINE: It’s a Ripe Time, Jerry!

(Elaine pokes Jerry)

ELAINE: RIPE!

GEORGE: Maybe it’s time for your thoughts around comedy and manhood to evolve.

ELAINE: Maybe it’s time to date women YOUR AGE…

JERRY: Why?

GEORGE: Because it’s the mature and adult thing to do.

JERRY: How does that affect me?

(Kramer bursts through the door awkwardly carrying huge canisters of
alpha-male branded knock off testosterone booster pills)

KRAMER: Well look what the cat dragged in.

JERRY: What is all that?

KRAMER: The next time you go to that high school Jerry, you let me know. When you go talk to the young girls. I’m gonna go talk to the young boys.

(George and Elaine both look at Kramer, then at Jerry with a frown,
and back to Kramer with a frown)

KRAMER: It’s those Alpha-Male Testosterone Booster Pills from that big podcaster Bro Smogan!

ELAINE: Bro Smogan?

KRAMER: Bro. Smogan. I’m gonna sell them at that high school. The young guys today, they are looking for a New Masculinity, Jerry! A NEW one! Giddy up.

JERRY: Noooo that’s the problem! New Masculinity. What happened to being a real man like Superman? “We need men to be men like in that era – JFK, Muhammad Ali, Sean Connery, Howard Cosell…”

ELAINE: Howard Cosell?

JERRY: (in a high pitch voice) HOWARRRRRD COSELLLLLL! That’s a real man. I want to be like that someday.

GEORGE: Didn’t Sean Connery make a comment about slapping women?

KRAMER: Oh no, no. I don’t buy that. That’s the woke media again, going around and REWRITING history!! FAKE NEWS!!

(Kramer spins around to storm out of the apartment, but drops his pills canisters which fly everywhere. He flips and slips on them and eventually stumbles out the door)

ELAINE: That’s what chasing dominant alpha-male short cuts will get you, Jerry. It just trips you up!

JERRY: “Yeah, I get the toxic. I get it. I get it. But still, I like a real man.”

ELAINE: Real Man?!? I thought you said you “don’t want to grow up because comedy is a childish pursuit?” “Look, I personally don’t buy that this is an impossible time to be funny. Maybe some people aren’t laughing at YOUR jokes.”

JERRY: Well maybe it’s time I hired a new writer to help me with my material!

GEORGE: Pick up material?

JERRY: Nooo! Comedy! COMEDYYYY! 

(Jerry answers the buzzer)

JERRY: …and here he is now!

(Frank Costanza enters the apartment wearing a 007-esque suit)

ELAINE: Well look what the cat dragged in.

GEORGE: Dad??!?!

FRANK: THAT”S RIGHT SOY BOY! You were ALWAYS A DISAPPOINTMENT AS A SON. Never a MANLY SON. You were NOOO Howard COSELL!!!

ELAINE: WHAT is going ON HERE?!?!??

FRANK: You want a piece of me, Miss Woman’s Rights? You want a piece of ME? You wanna cancel me, do ya? YOUUU wanna CANCEL MEEEEE?!?!?!

ELAINE: YOU’RE OUTDATED!!

FRANK: UP YOURS WOKE MORALIST!!

GEORGE: Jerry, my father is OLD Masculinity. You need something fresh and current!

JERRY: No, it’s like when they try to change your favourite cereal. Making it healthier for everyone. Non-soggy. It’s just not the same.

ELAINE: How’s that soggy cereal-like idea of manhood working for ya, Jerry?

FRANK: Ahhh, Dominant Old Masculinity. It’s like the smell of an old man. It’s Strong. It’s Pungent. It FILLS the ROOM. IT calls the SHOTS! YOU CAN’T REPLACE US OLD MEN!!!!

(Kramer bursts through the front door. With a shaved head and sunglasses on, he’s smoking a cigar while shirtless, showing off a new tattoo of a large angry chicken across his chest.)

ELAINE: Kramer!! What in the-

JERRY: You look like-

KRAMER: (exhales cigar smoke) ANDREW TATE. That’s right Jerry, I just watched 20 TikTok’s about him. He has it. OH YEAH! He’s GOT IT! I am gonna sell SO MANY PILLS to young boys EVERYWHERE now!!!

JERRY: Yeah Yeah Yeah.

KRAMER: OHHHH Yeah!

JERRY: I am not going anywhere to pick up underage girls next to you looking like that.

KRAMER: Oh that’s okay. I can’t be seen with you now. Tate has a lot to say about Israel, Jerry. A LOT!

ELAINE: Don’t get me started on how-

JERRY: Can we not do this right now?

GEORGE: Kramer, can you show me some of those TikTok’s?

JERRY: Is that a tattoo of an angry chicken on your chest?

KRAMER: It’s an angry cock, Jerry.

JERRY: An Angry Cock?

KRAMER: An ANGRY COCK! WE are MAD and WE aren’t gonna TAKE it ANYmore. The Big Alpha-Male Roosters are MAD. Big League Mad!

(Frank looks at Kramer’s Chest)

FRANK: Let me understand. You got the Hen, the Chicken, and the Rooster. The Rooster goes with the Chicken. So who’s having sex with the Hen? Something’s missing!

ELAINE: Something’s missing alright.

FRANK: WHAT the hell does THAT mean?

ELAINE: That means whatever the hell you want it to mean.

FRANK: YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME? YOU GOT ITTTTT!!!

(Frank gets distracted by a ping on his iPhone 6)

FRANK: Someone replied to my Facebook post about how they are trying to turn the frogs gay. YOU CAN’T GET ME DOWN, TROLLS!!!

ELAINE: OH MY GOD!!! What is happening to men?!?!? Kramer, Tate is the WORST! Look at what he’s DONE to you! Who turned you onto him??!?

KRAMER: Oh I ran into an old friend who is a NEW MAN. A new man who is going to SAVE MASCULINITY AND SAVE COMEDY, Jerry!!

(Jerry stands up and makes a scrunched sour face)

JERRY: Newman.

(Newman walks through the open door, live streaming on a phone attached to a selfie stick while wearing a Superman shirt, surrounded by high school girls)

NEWMAN: Greetings bitches.

(Kramer starts choking on his cigar)

JERRY: The high school girls! There they are! You took them all!

NEWMAN: Not only that, Jerry. Guess who also took all of your comedy club gigs?

GEORGE: Wow. What a new man!

ELAINE: What in the-

NEWMAN: Now now, you nasty feminist! Look sister, don’t you DARE corrupt the innocent minds of these sweet young potential trad wives!!

ELAINE: I’m gonna corrupt you, you-

(Newman waddles frantically to hide behind Kramer)

JERRY: But. But, you’re not funny!!!

NEWMAN: HAHAHA! Alpha Male low brow comedy IS funny, Jerry. It’s not about laughs, it’s about the rants, Jerry. The RANTS! All the ladies love it. 

GEORGE: Who wants to be an old man?? I WANT to be a NEW MAN like Newman!!!

JERRY: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!

(Setting: The Comedy Club)

(Newman is on stage, live streaming as his closing set is bombing)

NEWMAN: Hey, ahhhh, how about these broke woke comics and their broke woke jokes, am I right??? Once you go woke, you go broke! Who finds WOKE funny?!?

HECKLER: No one finds YOU funny, ya creep.

NEWMAN: You can’t cancel me! WE control social media now! We control comedy and facts. When you control social media, you control… INFORMATION!

CROWD: Boooo! This guy STINKS!

(The crowd throws tomatoes and alpha-male branded knock off testosterone booster pills. Newman waddles frantically off stage to hide behind the high school girls who quickly disown him)

(Setting: Outside the Comedy Club)

(The gang is walking out of the comedy club)

ELAINE: See, Jerry? Harmful ideas of manhood, old or new, all suck. They suck for women and gender-expansive people, and they suck for men too. And YES Jerry, that means the whole spectrum of men and masc folks. Trans men, masculine of center, and GASP cis-men too!! ALL men are ‘Real Men’, Jerry! Going backwards gets everyone nowhere!!

(Elaine pokes Jerry)

ELAINE: I guess the jokes on you and your outdated ideas of manhood.

JERRY: YEAH YEAH YEAH.

KRAMER: Hey Jerry, this guy across the street in a cape says he does tattoo removals on the spot. Lend me some money, will ya.

GEORGE: The guy who looks like Larry David?

JERRY: I guess when you’re insecure in your manhood and your anti-woke, it’s all scams and no jokes.

(END)

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About jeff perera
Jeff Perera has spoken to tens of thousands of people of all genders across North America about our ideas of Manhood, and how we as men can Be the Lesson in Action.